I call it..."Watch out! Thoughts of the sleepless pregnant lady!"
It’s almost midnight, and instead of being in bed trying to sleep (where I really should be!) I am sitting here writing this. I figured my mind is in one of those loops where I start thinking about something and it keeps going keeping me up anyway, so I might as well write, right?
I just took one of my frequent walks from bed (I was there once tonight) to the bathroom (surprise surprise) and on the way passed the pack-and-play that is set up in our room waiting for the arrival of our little man. As I walked by I looked over into it. It’s empty, but not for long. The thought that crossed my mind, “Am I ready for this? Girl! You don’t have a choice! But, two little boys in the house? You are going to have to figure it out! Do you remember how to do this?” As I walked back to bed (second attempt at falling asleep) and looked back into the pack-and-play I felt my belly and realized that I am actually a wife and a mom. Yes, I know, silly me. But, tell me honestly, how many of you have had that moment where you stop in your tracks and realize that you aren’t playing house, that you aren’t in high school dreaming about the future (really hard sometimes since I am married to my high school sweet heart…man I am getting old!), that you are actually a wife and a mom? It is a sobering thought and one that catches me by surprise continually. I was actually walking down the street the other day when I saw a mom with her little boy and thought to myself, “How sweet is that? Oh, to be a mom one day!” Wait!!! That two year old that is running away from you down the street is yours! (And you better hurry up and catch him!!!)
I have felt this little boy moving inside of me for months now and still cannot fully grasp the idea that he will be here before we know it. The sweet little cries of a newborn will fill our home. The smell of my perfume will change to spit-up and milk. I’ll have the never ending mark of drool on my shoulder, and the constant look of “what am I doing?” on my face. You know what? I can’t wait! Do I still feel like I am in a dream? Yes! But, am I excited? Beyond! Do I feel a little overwhelmed that there will be two little ones in the house this time? OH YES!
I am really trying to not be anxious about having our baby (bring on the prayers and hypnobaby!). I’ll be honest, I don’t like going through pain. But, more than that, I’m trying to control my anxiety and truly give it to the Lord. I know that my anxiety doesn’t stop once little man is in my arms. That is the exact moment that the anxiety could potentially go through the roof. He might be my second, but I know I will be that mom that checks on him 502 times a night. I have to remind myself that all of my boys (David included) are gifts to me. Gifts that I get to enjoy, nurture, and love on, but they aren’t mine. They are gifts on loan that truly belong to God.
I am going to attempt sleeping for the third time tonight. Haha! My husband is sound asleep, bubba the first is curled up safe and sound in his bed, and bubba the second is making sure I feel loved by his frequent wiggles. I am so blessed! I love my boys!!!